6 Lies We Tell Ourselves About Why We’re Single

“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we’re afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we’ll lose it. We fear that if we don’t have love we will be unhappy.” ― Richard Bach

I know from personal experience that we as single women – after a certain period in singlehood – tend to tell ourselves lies about why it is we’re still single… we adopt a certain “single” mindset, a mindset that helps us justify and explain why we – of all the women out there – can’t seem to find love.

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Here are 6 lies we tell ourselves that are particularly hurtful, and damaging to our spirit, our peace of mind, our self-esteem… that simply degrades our chance of ever finding love.

#1 THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME! WHY ELSE WOULD I STILL BE SINGLE?

I understand why this one is easy to fall victim to.

I’ve often fallen into the trap of this mindset and I’ve had long periods of time where this seemed to be the truth in my life, or at least I believed it to be.

But – as I stand on the other side of this mindset – I can assure you there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, just as there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.

“There’s nothing wrong with us because we are still single. It is what it is. There’s no deep explanation here or hidden secret. We’re not concealing a hump on our backs or cloven hooves or a third eye (okay, well, hopefully we’re not. But even if we are, dang it, we’re still worthy of love!) Singleness is not a curse thrust upon us. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s not an insult or a weapon to be hurled at us, as our society unfortunately often does (particularly when it comes to social media. You wouldn’t believe how many times people have disagreed with something I’ve tweeted or posted and have retaliated with ‘Oh, so THAT’S why you’re still single!’” – Mandy Hale

You are an amazing, beautiful and interesting person. The truth is that you haven’t met the person that you’ve felt comfortable enough around… that person you want to show your amazing strengths, quirks and your truest personality to.

Don’t lose faith in yourself or your worth. Be you and don’t be afraid of being your unique self.

There is nothing worse than trying to fit in and be “normal” in order to find love… be you and be proud of who you are. I promise you that if you’re true to who you are, it becomes so much easier to attract not only the love of your dreams, but also the life of your dreams.

#2 THERE ARE NO GOOD MEN/WOMEN LEFT OUT THERE.

STOP putting this out into the universe. It’s simply not true!

One thing is true though. You attract what you think and say, so if you repeatedly tell yourself and others that there’s no good men/women out there left, then trust me, that’s what you’ll get.

There are plenty of amazing men and women out there, you just have to pay attention to the good ones, instead of focusing on the ones that keep proving your point.

The truth is that there are billions of people on this earth, so to assume that there are no good ones left is just absurd. You only meet so many people in a day and – if you’re honest with yourself – 90 percent of the people you meet in a normal day, are people you already know.

You never know where the person of your dreams is, maybe he/she is on the other side of the world or maybe he’s down at the local gym.

Go travel or opt in for a spinning class, go out into the world, be open to meet someone amazing and one day you will.

#3 I WILL NEVER FIND A PARTNER… I’M TOO PICKY.

Okay, okay. I have to be honest, there might be somewhat of a truth in this statement. You might find yourself single if you’re TOO picky.

It all depends on your level of pickiness…

Are you Healthy Picky? Extremely Picky? Or are you living under The Fear Factor?

The real problem starts when you move into the Extremely Picky.

When you identify yourself as an extremely picky person: “Deep down, you want to be with someone but can’t seem to find the right fit. You spend more time being single than in relationships, and you have a habit of finding a range of faults in prospective dates. You sometimes focus on little things which end up causing the demise of the relationship, and you tell yourself you have a hard time meeting the right one for you because you’re just so…picky.” – Dr. Seth Meyer

If you fall into the Extremely Picky group, then there’s still room for love, but you need to be extremely lucky if you want to find that ‘perfect’ person who fits – just right – into all your requirements and needs. Not to burst your bubble, but no one’s perfect, and hoping to find the perfect partner is a loser’s pursuit!

Worst is it when you live with The Fear Factor: “What causes someone to be so picky and overly discerning? In one word: Fear. Extreme pickiness is a giant blob of defense mechanisms with an underlying fear of a real long-term romantic relationship. Underneath it all, people who are extremely picky are afraid to depend on someone for fear of getting hurt. They’re often afraid of being seen for who they really are or having someone they date see flaws or weaknesses in them.” – Dr. Seth Meyer

If you see yourself as an extremely picky person or if you live with the fear of commitment, there’s always a solution to the problem, and the good news is that you CAN change if you really want to. The first step is to admit to yourself that there’s a problem… often it’s not that you’re picky, but that you’re afraid in some way.

Where the lies comes in

If you find yourself in the Healthy Picky Range, your pickiness does not keep you from finding love. Instead it helps you understand what you want and what you don’t want. There’s nothing wrong with being picky, it’s when you stop listening to your gut and intuition that the real trouble begins.

You need to be careful about who you involve yourself with and who you let into your life. When you use your healthy pickiness, and listen to yourself, your chance of picking the right kind of partner the first time, is much higher than if you ignore your own signs of warning and concern.

#4 I’M TOO BUSY FOR LOVE… I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

No one’s *that* busy… It just comes down to the simple fact of priority, interest and attraction.

I’ve told myself many times that “I don’t have time for love right now”. “I’m starting my own company, trying to create a successful coaching business… I don’t have time to be in love and invest my energy in getting to know someone new”. But believe me, when you do meet someone who speaks to you on every level, you magically find the time. You make time, and you begin to prioritize time for that person.

In my opinion, life isn’t really worth living if you don’t have time for the ones that you love.

#5 I WON’T SURVIVE ANOTHER HEARTBREAK.

Sometimes, arriving on the other side of heartache can leave us feeling scared, broken and defensive against love. Why would I ever put myself out there and risk being hurt like this again?

The possibility of heartache is probably the last thing you want to put yourself through again…

I know how opening your heart up to a stranger can seem scary. But the truth is, you’ve learned something from your heartbreak… You’ve learned something VERY important. You’ve learned what it is you DON’T want.

Your boundaries have matured, your understanding of who you are has changed and you are now even better at understanding what you DO and what you DON’T want in a relationship.

The important thing to remember is to remember…

Remember what it is you learned from your failed relationship! Keep it in your mind when you go looking for love again. Don’t fall back to old habits and patterns… Instead, use your hard-earned experiences to locate positive qualities, in a new partner.

Being heartbroken can feel like the end of the world, but we’re built to overcome trauma, heartache and sadness. Give yourself time to heal, but then move on. Try to let your fear be in the past and stop telling yourself that you won’t survive another heartbreak. Your heart has an incredible ability to heal itself and love despite of past heartaches.

#6 MY LIFE DOESN’T SERVE A PURPOSE WHEN I’M SINGLE.

You matter, and your life matters. Your relationship status does not define your purpose or your status in life.

Do not fall victim to the believe that you need to be loved by someone else to be able to fulfill your purpose in this world. It’s YOUR purpose and yours alone.

Whatever your purpose in this world might be, you do not depend on someone else to come activate that purpose in you.

“We might be SINGLE but we are NOT “singular” in any way. We are multi-dimensional, unique, talented, purposeful, meaningful people with hugely important lives and destinies.” – Mandy Hale

Sure, love can help motivate you to live your best life and it can help you find more happiness, but it’s certainly not a requirement for you to live a life of meaning and purpose.

What are the things you tend to tell yourself about why you’re still single? Do you tend to blame yourself and your “shortcomings” for the fact that you’re still single, or do you rest with the fact that love will find you when you are ready and the stars are aligned?

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